long-distance relationship

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Archive for May, 2010

along came a spiderman

in my last post i was on the defensive. in this post i’m playing offense, and by the end of it i’ll score a touch down. that’s about all the sports vocabulary i know. sorry, i’m not rohini.

rohini recently described with “mortification” what she called my “sick Sanrio craze.” well guess what, rohini’s a hypocrite. here’s how.

exhibit A

take a good look at this picture taken on saturday as we left the dc chili cook-off and try to keep the laughter to a minimum. if you know rohini well, two thoughts are likely to cross your mind: (1) there rohini is being her silly photogenic self and (2) a spiderman popsicle? how predictable.

for those of you who aren’t privy to rohini’s infatuation with peter parker’s alter ego, rohini is what one might easily call ‘obsessed.’ yeah, that’s right, the same person who gave me a hard time for having a hello kitty debit card, has spiderman clothing, a spiderman bowl, saucer, utensil set, made a spiderman comic book for a french project, and has a blow-up spiderman doll, “spidey” as she’s taken to call him.

exhibit B

on a summer day in late july of the year 2005, rohini and a few other of my friends joined my chinese school’s rowing team in colorado’s annual dragonboat festival (dragonboat is an amazing event that i will have to discuss in detail in a later post). in between rounds of our busy racing schedule, rohini and company took a stroll through the many vendor booths set up in the festival’s marketplace. i passed on this opportunity since i had captain duties to attend to, and what an amazing captain i was. i think it’s worth noting that this was the one and only time i ever captained, let alone participated in a sporting team of any kind. had i accompanied her on that excursion i would have advised her to spend her money more wisely on cotton candy and snow cones instead of buying that damn doll and all of this spidey-induced hype would have never been born.

exhibit C

to make this already long story a little shorter, here’s what happened. rohini and crew come back with the blowup spiderman doll. why? i’ll never know. next, everyone is posing with him and taking pictures, an activity i refused to participate in, and the rest is history. from then on, rohini was known as the spiderman fanatic.

exhibit D

but wait, it gets better. with the same gusto that spiderman spins his webs of any-size, rohini’s spidermania is a dishonest one. you’d think that given all of her gear, spiderman would be her number one superhero. well, he’s not. aside from the recent tobey maguire starring franchise, rohini had little interest in spiderman as a child. she’s a fraud. being that i am her bff, i kept this knowledge to myself trying my best not to make any sort of criticism of her character, but after her attack, which we’re all far too familiar with, the time for niceties is over. news flash: rohini and i share the same superhero. it’s Batman with a capital B.

exhibit E

so yeah, i like hello kitty, and yes i have a hello kitty debit card, but rohini has way too much spiderman crap to be pointing a finger my way. at least my hello kitty love comes from some place real, not something fabricated. the next time rohini and i are kidnapped by the riddler and batman has to choose between saving his faithful fan or the girl wearing the boys 6-12 spiderman tshirt, who do you think the lucky damsel in distress will be?

and to top it all off, rohini went to a ‘super hero’ themed dance last night. who do you think she took as her date? i’ll give you one guess.

that’s right. look out! here comes the spiderman.

exhibit F

you say goodbye, i say hello

dec 2005

a few days ago, rohini wrote quite the telling critique of the newest addition to my wallet (refer to goodbye kitty). in fact, the post was such a hit that a certain infrequent reader of ours personally called the author to sing her praises. now, as many of you already know, i am a huge proponent of a good laugh, and an even bigger fan of a great laugh at another person’s expense, but i have let this attack on my dear hello kitty go on for far too long. don’t be fooled by the adorable big bow and whiskers, because this kitty scratches.

all in all i would consider myself far removed from the typical “asian girl” stereotype for the following reasons including but not limited to: (1) you will never see me flash the peace sign in a photograph, (2) i do not limit my core group of friends to people who look like me, (3) i don’t have a weird haircut (not since the 7th grade), and (4) i haven’t been a straight A student since freshman year of high school, which was just about the same time i outgrew the A-cup bra (5). so i guess what i’m trying to say is, so what if i like love sanrio’s main gal hello kitty? she’s one of the few really asian things about me, that and the fact that i played both the piano and violin and my name is yang yang.

rohini got one thing right. i am not a bandwagon, fair-weather hello kitty fan. i knew the importance of having great stationary when other girls my age were still wetting their beds. perhaps it was my already great sense of personal style or my early mastery of penmanship that made me gravitate toward nice notebooks, but whatever it was, my love for hello kitty has been one for the storybooks and this blog.

we’ve been through a lot, my hello kitty and i. our relationship hasn’t been a cheap one, not when i spent three times the market price of regular pens and pencils all so i could see her cute beady eyes stare back at me as i did my multiplication tables. staying up to date with the latest creations from sanrio kept my hello kitty piggy bank perpetually empty, but such is the life of a young hello kitty connoisseur and i loved every moment of it.

yes, i was a hello kitty elitist. emphasis on was. but my once impressive multi-thousand dollar collection of gel pens, stickers, planners, and a boom box (haven’t used that term in years) are long gone. i grew up and learned to tolerate the lifeless black and blue pens used by my peers, choosing to waste my money on clothing instead of pens that i seemed to make a steady habit of losing. in fact, had it not been for the new debit card, i had a pretty solid several-year streak of owning no new hello kitty paraphernalia going for myself. rohini was well aware of this new lease on my life, which is why her most recent post came as such a surprise. how could anyone, especially my best friend, expect me to resist hello kitty’s face on a plastic card that fills my non-sanrio wallet with cash like magic? i mean, come on. we can’t let this count against me.

a few other facts to prove my healthy case of hello kitty mania:
– other than my debit card, i have no other hello kitty items in my apartment
– i lived in new york for 3.5 years and never once went to the sanrio store in times square
– i use regular black pens and a plain moleskine planner
– i have no intention of ordering the matching hello kitty checks

so now that i’ve explained myself and now that you can see that i’m not so bad after all, it is now time for me to retire for the night. i have to get to bed for an earlier than usual morning at work, but i am far from done. i told you this kitty has claws, and she does. the story of rohini’s own obsession, one far worse, and rooted in falsehood must be told. that exposé will have to wait until tomorrow. it’s a good one. stay tuned.

p.s. i hate cats, but that just goes to show how universally loved hello kitty really is.

thank you, google

rohini and i owe a lot to google, everyone’s favorite search engine, for directing traffic to our modest blog. wordpress is kind enough to show us how many views we get each day and what search engine inputs were used to bring us new readers. The following is a list of some of our favorites of all time.

– hitler’s birthday
– long distance cum – now that’s impressive
– consciousness at a distance
– dev patel true facebookprofile
– refererx increase traffic – i don’t know what this means.
– rohini mongul
– “rubber knees dance”
– cum loud – whoever this was must have been hugely let down when they came to our blog. either that or pleasantly surprised to come across such great humor.
– “train of consciousness”
– group chopsticks and curry – a chindian
– best kindness award
– thesis in long distance relationship
– “broke her elbow” sling
– chindian
– tamil actress rohini tonsuring her hair – tonsuring? thanks to this avid fan of tamil actress rohini i now know a new word. tonsuring: The act of shaving the head or part of the head, especially as a preliminary to becoming a priest or a member of a monastic order.
– etymology: 1965; seen as the hill to get
– i need female single of a.p state locate
– golden rule of long distance relationshi
– spring weekend snoop dogg brown pictures
– dentist “12 cavities”
– sling “her elbow”
– happy birthday quotes for a long distanc
– fucking station in rohini – where is this magical place that shares a name with my best friend and how do i get to this station?
– chindian girls – that’s us!
– juvenile delinquency in india – it’s becoming a pandemic. fewer and fewer indian children want to become engineers.
– happy birthday quotes long distance

and yet another reason to love google – pac-man turns 30! if you haven’t noticed already, you can actually play your favorite yellow-pal-ghost-eating game on google.

goodbye kitty

Let me put into words the question that is likely running through your mind right now: what 9 to 16 year old Asian girl hijacked the plastic company where Bank of America produces its debit cards? Poor Helen F. Graham must be on the receiving end of an ill-humored joke. I can’t tell you how much I wish the above-pictured debit card was, in fact, a failed attempt at practical humor. It is not. Bank of America proudly serves all of its customers, even a rather embarrassing “shouldn’t we have outgrown this” group of adult Hello Kitty fans. Now, what I tell you next, I say with the slightest hint of mortification: my best friend, Yang Yang is the proud new owner of a Hello Kitty debit card.

How it all went down.

Two Fridays ago, sitting in my bed shamelessly watching 90210 reruns, I received a phone call from Yang. The call came as a surprise considering that we usually limit our daytime conversing to Gchat. I knew this must have been something important. At the Bank of America office, Yang faced a critical decision: what design should she get on her debit card?

Let me just intercede here with a brief comment. You Bank of America customers are lucky to even receive a choice here. Most bank customers, including yours truly, receive whatever generic card their bank decides to send out and nine times out of ten the design is ugly. Considering the great power BofA has vested in its clients you would think that this power might be wielded responsibly. I don’t know that this has been the case.

Yang came to me with two options: a Hello Kitty pattern or the breast cancer awareness ribbon. Maybe a tomboy childhood and lack of connection to all things Sanrio made this an obvious choice, but when presented with these options I couldn’t help but respond, “Are you kidding me?” Only to indulge my somewhat excited friend I asked what the card looked like. Pink. Hello Kitty. Yeah, I expected that. I gave Yang the best advice I could offer. We’re 22 years old; I think you should go with the more adult option. When you go for business lunches are you really going to pull out your pink and flowery card to pay for your meal? My logic was impeccable. I thought I had made up Yang’s mind.

Only upon notifying the female banker that she had changed her mind because “my friend told me Hello Kitty wasn’t adult enough,” the woman responded that she herself (a much older adult) had the card. I can’t say how vast or extensive this network of grown-up Hello Kitty fans is, but I will tell you that I am thoroughly disturbed.

Nevertheless, a thin plastic image of a cartoon cat with a pink bow now sits in Yang’s wallet. Considering there is nothing I can now do about this I have tried to see the positives in my friend’s sick Sanrio craze. Here are a few benefits I see to having a Hello Kitty debit card:

– Great conversation starter…with 9 – 16 year old Asian girls
– If ever you wanted to kidnap a little girl, here’s your carrot
– Brownie points every time you shop at the Sanrio store (though negative cool points for being at the store in the first place)
– It is less likely that your attention-grabbing debit card will be stolen and used to purchase a Wii at 3 a.m. at Wal-mart
– Golden ticket in Chinatown
– Makes splitting the bill far easier. “Just put ten on Hello Kitty and the rest on mine.”
– Completes the collection of stationary sets, mechanical pencils, stickers, pencil cases, stuffed dolls and bed sheets that you already have. In no way do I support the purchase of these items in the first place, but if you’re going to do it, do it right. All of the way or none of the way (Rohini Life Motto).

I also took the time to look up some of the other card designs Bank of America uses. All things considered, I have to say that the situation could have been worse. I would take Hello Kitty any day over some of these cards.

The “I feel morally confused when filling up my SUV” card

The “I’m only relevant for two weeks every two years” card

The “In case you didn’t notice my obnoxious personality, I’m a Boston sports fan” card

The “Is Betty Boop still culturally relevant?” card

While I would like to say goodbye to Kitty, Betty Boop and all Red Sox fans, I suppose I’ll have to coexist with these Bank of America customers.  Though if ever presented with the choice of debit card design, I’d likely make the following wise decision.

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rohiniandyang – long distance relatioship

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let miley dance

rohini and i are unashamed fans of pop princess miley cyrus. we’ll admit that hannah montana is a pretty horrendous show, and rest assured we have no interest in any disney programming that doesn’t involve the jonas brothers, but we know a catchy tune when we dance to one. please buy see you again on itunes if you haven’t already. and if you tell me you hate party in the usa, i’ll tell you you’re a horrible liar. now that i’ve set up our love for miley cyrus allow me to come to her much-needed defense.

it has come to our attention that people are in a tizzy over this miley cyrus “lap dance” video. if you don’t know what i’m talking about, take a look for yourself.

[redlasso id=”0c2cf386-5eaf-4505-b725-224675566e53″]

before i go any further, let me just say that anyone who has a problem with this kind of dancing is clearly someone who doesn’t know how to get down on the dance floor. rohini and i can be seen dancing like this any time we’re out together and in fact i’d say our dancing is probably even a bit more provocative. granted we never go out in shorts that short, but there’s a first time for everything (we did recently purchase rompers).

the institution of sound and reliable journalism that is tmz broke the story when they released this video early yesterday. they wrote:

“Miley — who was 16 at the time — was dancing with 44-year-old Adam Shankman during a wrap party last summer in Georgia for the movie, “The Last Song.” Shankman, who is openly gay, produced the movie as well as “Hairspray” and other flicks and is a judge on “So You Think You Can Dance?”

to answer the above question: yes, it looks like adam and miley can indeed dance. now let us pose a question of our own, what’s the big freaking deal?

anyone who has been to a club or top-40 playing bar has seen far worse. yes, miley is only a teenager, but those dance moves are nothing compared to what will be seen at high school proms nationwide (and what will happen in the backs of cars after). yes, adam shankman is older, but the man isnt interested in what our favorite hollywood jailbait has to offer. so all i see are two people having a platonic, genital-covered, good time on the dance floor.

but apparently this isn’t what it looked like to my peers and fellow journalists. one headline read ‘miley cyrus lap dance – did they have sex?’ talk about sensationalism. the baltimore sun took a far less ridiculous approach, but ridiculous nonetheless. their play-by-play read:

“When he moves to the couch, drink in hand, Miley follows and climbs up to sit on him, where her gyrations get even more intense.”

and then quoted an unattributed source (faux-pas):

“The worst part is that there were little kids at the party and the dancing between Miley and Adam was so dirty that some of the parents actually left the party and took their kids home.”

little kids were at this party? i didn’t see any little kids and if you listen closely you’ll hear this hell-destined duo dancing to these famous lyrics:

To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skeet skeet motherfucker (motherfucker!)

i don’t know why, but somehow i seriously doubt any kids were getting low at this party, and if they were, the upset parents, the same ones who were so disgusted that they held back their gag reflex long enough to tape this video that they then sold to tmz for a pretty penny, should take a hard look at themselves.

and also, last i checked a lap dance requires one party to sit in a chair while the other more active party dances, grinds and rubs against them. whoever mislabeled this as a lap dance needs to get out there, put on some short shorts, back their thing up against a seedy stranger with questionable motives and live a little.

let me just finish with this thought. if the rest of us can nod our heads and move our hips like yeah, why can’t miley party in the u.s.a. too?

—-

and just as an afterthought – if you’re digging the sultry miley like we are, check out her newest music video.

hot.

closer

Yang recently asked me if we should go for the new Sex and the City movie with my mom and aunt over commencement weekend.  Even though she didn’t know of my mom’s deep seated hatred for Sarah Jessica Parker, the four of us going for this movie is possibly one of the worst ideas Yang has ever had.  Why?  Well, as per usual, there’s a story behind it.  Here it is…

Most 40 to 50 year old mothers share a love for three things: the Magic Bullet, the Oprah Winfrey show and movies starring Julia Roberts.  With my mother, this third love is particularly strong, so when the motion picture Closer came out in 2004 with Julia Robert’s name in the credits, she was sold; it was a movie release she simply couldn’t miss.

Now let’s paint a portrait of Rohini and Yang around this same time: young teenage girls infatuated with hot male celebrities (not a far cry different from rohiniandyang today).  Put a sexy actor on the screen and we’d be sure to buy tickets for that movie.  This type of movie going policy can lead to some unfortunate “why the fuck did we pay money for that” moments (a.k.a. when Yang and Rohini went to see Miami Vice).  Still, when in 2004 the motion picture Closer came out with both Jude Law and Clive Owen steaming up the screen, we were sold; it was a movie release we simply couldn’t miss.

One tiny glitch stood between us and all the Jude/Clive sexiness a girl could dream of.  Rated R.  For the juvenile delinquents out there, I’m sure this posed little problem to you in high school.  I’m sure the “Can I get two tickets for “Over the Hedge” so that I can sneak into my R-rated movie?” approach has gotten you through forbidden doors before.  16 year-old Yang and Rohini, however, had moral compasses that pointed due north and so we went about matters through more legal channels.  My mother loved Julia Roberts, Yang and I loved Jude Law; we would all go to see Closer together (and incidentally get a bit closer in the process).

Buckled into my family’s Toyota Sienna and on the way to the theater, Yang and I were bubbling with excitement.  Neither of us could have foreseen the disaster awaiting us on the other side of those theater doors.

For those of you who have never seen Closer, here’s the basic plot: two relationships (Jude Law & Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts & Clive Owen) get complicated when Jude meets Julia and they decide to cheat on their significant others.  The movie is full of relationship drama, cheating, sex (in the dialogue, not too much on the visual front) and a very colorful vocabulary.  About an hour into the movie, the three of us (Yang, myself and my mother, sitting in that order) watched Julia Roberts and Clive Owen deliver the following lines to one another on the screen.

Anna (Julia): We do everything that people who have sex do!
Larry (Clive): Do you enjoy sucking him off?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his cock?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him coming in your face?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What does it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!
Larry: That’s the spirit. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Now fuck off and die, you fucked up slag.

I’m not quite sure what relationship you have with your mother and it’s quite possible that you and she have frequent conversations about “cock” and “sucking him off.” My mother and I, unfortunately (or fortunately) do not have such a relationship. Yang and my mom also lack such a connection. As we sat together, listening to Julia Roberts describe Jude Law’s sweet tasting ejaculate, I could feel my mother tensing up next to me and shaking her head disapprovingly. I shot Yang a look and we exchanged a cringing nod; this was one of the most awkward/traumatic movie experiences we had ever had/would ever have.

You would think after that scene my mom would have dragged our asses out of the theater and driven us home. Nope. We sat through the entire movie together including one particularly disturbing scene in which Clive Owen repeatedly asks Julia Roberts, “Did you come? Did he make you come?” As I think back on these life-altering hours, I wonder what exactly good ole mum was thinking. Perhaps she wanted us to learn a lesson about going for R-rated movies that weren’t meant for us, or maybe she was just an overly dedicated Julia Roberts fan who couldn’t leave a movie halfway through. Either way, since that fateful day I have never accompanied my mother to a rated R movie without first doing a thorough plot/dialogue investigation. Lesson learned.

Since we’re on the topic of awkward movie situations, here are a couple more funny episodes. Note that none have nearly the same caliber of awkwardness as the “Closer” incident.

Yang convinced her mother to take her for popular horror spoof Scary Movie. Sometime around the penis in the ear scene they both promptly left the theater and Yang to this day has never seen the end of that movie.

I watched the lengthy opening sex scene in Matrix Reloaded seated between my father and my male cousin (who was visiting from India for the summer and who Kannan and I had recently caught downloading porn on the family computer…another story in itself). Don’t know that I ever fully recovered from this one.